DEEP DARK DORK

its clear now
that
i
spent a long long time
wallowing in the numb depths of depression and denial
and 
other
D words

like DRINK like DRUGS

in the ignored back cupboard of pain-mind
i knew - in my BALLS and lower colon
that
i was waiting/was willing and creating
the 
Big Crunch/MELTDOWN/brain implosion/my Mars would attack
making
the previous under carpet breakdowns 
look like babies helpless laughter

thats happened
and 
time has changed

CLICK it went, and a tiny VROOOOM

i see the myth-light now
but meshed between medicine fingers
and
have yet to feel actually warmed

its clear now
i was swimming deep in the scotch dark 
deep enough in the backward funk 
to wear it like a campaign medal
and
laugh bitterly at fools happiness/laughing in pairs/hands in hands and - OUT!

deep enough to touch the dumb tip of satans anus
deep inside the hell-funk of mistake guts
where things screamed 
without words 
or end

so today
theres doom in my morning pockets
(and shit and panic and thick fug)
but my face is to the sky
and tho
the symptoms are ladled on thick as trowel make-up
i
am
able
to
hope
that
good days will paint the calendar one year soon